summah!

(photo by hrwphoto)

summertime always has me twisted up in a knot of all the feelings
on the one hand, IT'S SUMMER!
the season to end all seasons
on the other hand, IT'S SUMMER!
how am i going to fit everything in we need to do?
but also, what in the world are we going to do all summer?!
twisted.knot.of.feelings.

i've decided this year to say 'the hell with it' and just ride the wave wherever it takes us
said wave took us on a walk into town on sunday
lunch and a popsicle date (thank you krista!) with the boys was just what the doctor ordered
as we were sitting there eating, drinking a beer and watching the ducks swim down the canal
i gave us a mental high five
the weather was perfect
the boys were perfect
when the boys are happy, stone and i are happy
when stone and i are happy, the boys are happy
i got a glimpse of what an awesome little quartet we make when everyone is in sync
now if gus can just sail right through that little fit throwing stage and keep on keeping on
this summer will be one for the record books!

(note: i promise stone does exist, he is just usually at work when my sister and i have our little photo sessions. ha!)

BOOM

i have lots of moments

happy moments

'aha' moments

sad moments

thankful moments

overwhelmed moments

'what the hell' moments

tired moments

today i had a 'what the hell' moment

this happens to me most often when things are going just the way i had planned/hoped/thought....

and then out of nowhere they aren't going just the way i had planned/hoped/thought...

henry was elbows deep in a mental breakdown over not being able to eat PEZ out of the leonardo TMNT dispenser 

(the struggle is real)

that then turned into a full blown melt down about this and that and everything in between 

'WHAT THE HELL!'

(breath)

(breath)

(breath)

(silently rage while driving home)

(breath)

it's in these quiet moments that i tend to have my 'aha moments' 

'aha' he is 4 

'aha' maybe he is just as frustrated as me

'aha' life isn't perfect 

'aha' this is parenthood 

and then i have a collision of thankful and overwhelmed moments 

(BOOM!)

this.is.life

my life

our life

and holy shit it's crazy and confusing and wonderful and everything in between 

and maybe it would be easier another way 

but then.....

it's the crazy and confusing and definitely the everything in between that makes it so wonderful 

mid day cry-fest

henry asked if he could have a banana
i said yes and got up to go get it for him
you know, since the basket they are kept in is pushed towards the back of the kitchen counter
i walked into the kitchen to find that my child...
my teeny tiny sweet henry
the boy who was born yesterday
had gotten the banana himself
cue the tears
he is tall enough to reach for himself!
i shed tears
right there in my kitchen
over a banana
sometimes i feel the time moving by like molasses
and sometimes i get panicky everything is moving too fast for my tender heart

i like to bury my face in the crook of henry and gus' necks
you know, the little nook below their chin but back a little closer to their ear
i like to close my eyes and breath them in
henry smells a little like boy and a little like hair conditioner
(the tangles...oh the tangles!)
gus smells like baby and graham crackers
(even if he hasn't had any graham crackers)
i like to breath them in and then give their necks a big smooch
the kind of smooch that makes a loud 'SMACK' noise
the noise inevitable makes them pull away from me
but i don't mind
the smooch demands a loud noise
henry and gus both had birthdays these past couple of weeks
each boy got a little party
and at each party i did what i have done for the past three years of henry's birthdays
i stood back and watched our family (and framily) and thanked my lucky stars for them
i am so grateful to have people in our lives who love to love our boys
it really does take a village
....and we have the best village

feeling it....

the windows are down
the smell of the city is blowing by
the breeze is messing my hair
my arm is out the window, dancing in the night as the wind whips by
i'm feeling it.....
not just kind of, but really.....feeling it.
the wind, the smells, the noise....the deep summer air
that heavy weight of those days that i can't remember how they already turned into nights.
i think i'm at my best.
i'm not care free
....i'm never care free
but i'm hopeful
and happy
i'm content and full of everything i never knew i wanted
i see stone
and his handsome face
a page in the book of our lives
.....i think (i hope) it might be a good book.

heavy

i've been thinking a lot about this whole parenting thing
it's a big ol responsibility raising these babies!
am i feeding them enough of the good stuff?
are we reading enough?
are we reading the right books?
am i too tough?
not tough enough?
the list could go on for days.....i could drown in my parenting fears if i let myself

here is what i do know...
i know i mess up
i know i lose my patience
i know i cave and let henry have a turkey wrap (and nothing else) for lunch far too often
i know i am a helicopter mom at the playground
i know i slip and say bad words in front of the boys
i know i come up short a lot of days

but you know what else i know?
i know i love them so much
(to the moon and back in fact)
that crazy stupid kind of love
that kind of love that changes you
before the boys i was me
and after the boys i am still me
but a different me

i know i try
i try so hard to be the best version of myself for them
the truest and most honest version
i know when they go to bed at night i have told them how much i love them
i have kissed their faces and breathed their breath
they are a part of me
and me of them
and i know they know that

(photos by hrw photography)

lately.....

i've been baking....

......spice cake with homemade cinnamon whipped cream

playing peekaboo.....

.....how could i resist this sweet face

giggling with this sweet boy....

.....how could i resist when his giggles are so contagious 

i'm nearing the six month mark on being at home with my boys and i feel like i am where i am supposed to be

sure there are days when i feel like shutting myself in the bathroom and crying 

but i'm blaming winter and lingering baby hormones 

(i shed a tear at an episode of Sofia The First the other day....must get a grip)

i'm so thankful for each day with them

the chance to giggle and play and make memories

it's pretty great