mid day cry-fest

henry asked if he could have a banana
i said yes and got up to go get it for him
you know, since the basket they are kept in is pushed towards the back of the kitchen counter
i walked into the kitchen to find that my child...
my teeny tiny sweet henry
the boy who was born yesterday
had gotten the banana himself
cue the tears
he is tall enough to reach for himself!
i shed tears
right there in my kitchen
over a banana
sometimes i feel the time moving by like molasses
and sometimes i get panicky everything is moving too fast for my tender heart

i like to bury my face in the crook of henry and gus' necks
you know, the little nook below their chin but back a little closer to their ear
i like to close my eyes and breath them in
henry smells a little like boy and a little like hair conditioner
(the tangles...oh the tangles!)
gus smells like baby and graham crackers
(even if he hasn't had any graham crackers)
i like to breath them in and then give their necks a big smooch
the kind of smooch that makes a loud 'SMACK' noise
the noise inevitable makes them pull away from me
but i don't mind
the smooch demands a loud noise
henry and gus both had birthdays these past couple of weeks
each boy got a little party
and at each party i did what i have done for the past three years of henry's birthdays
i stood back and watched our family (and framily) and thanked my lucky stars for them
i am so grateful to have people in our lives who love to love our boys
it really does take a village
....and we have the best village

feeling it....

the windows are down
the smell of the city is blowing by
the breeze is messing my hair
my arm is out the window, dancing in the night as the wind whips by
i'm feeling it.....
not just kind of, but really.....feeling it.
the wind, the smells, the noise....the deep summer air
that heavy weight of those days that i can't remember how they already turned into nights.
i think i'm at my best.
i'm not care free
....i'm never care free
but i'm hopeful
and happy
i'm content and full of everything i never knew i wanted
i see stone
and his handsome face
a page in the book of our lives
.....i think (i hope) it might be a good book.

heavy

i've been thinking a lot about this whole parenting thing
it's a big ol responsibility raising these babies!
am i feeding them enough of the good stuff?
are we reading enough?
are we reading the right books?
am i too tough?
not tough enough?
the list could go on for days.....i could drown in my parenting fears if i let myself

here is what i do know...
i know i mess up
i know i lose my patience
i know i cave and let henry have a turkey wrap (and nothing else) for lunch far too often
i know i am a helicopter mom at the playground
i know i slip and say bad words in front of the boys
i know i come up short a lot of days

but you know what else i know?
i know i love them so much
(to the moon and back in fact)
that crazy stupid kind of love
that kind of love that changes you
before the boys i was me
and after the boys i am still me
but a different me

i know i try
i try so hard to be the best version of myself for them
the truest and most honest version
i know when they go to bed at night i have told them how much i love them
i have kissed their faces and breathed their breath
they are a part of me
and me of them
and i know they know that

(photos by hrw photography)

lately.....

i've been baking....

......spice cake with homemade cinnamon whipped cream

playing peekaboo.....

.....how could i resist this sweet face

giggling with this sweet boy....

.....how could i resist when his giggles are so contagious 

i'm nearing the six month mark on being at home with my boys and i feel like i am where i am supposed to be

sure there are days when i feel like shutting myself in the bathroom and crying 

but i'm blaming winter and lingering baby hormones 

(i shed a tear at an episode of Sofia The First the other day....must get a grip)

i'm so thankful for each day with them

the chance to giggle and play and make memories

it's pretty great 

my aha moment

every night when i lay down in bed
i like to reflect on the day
i thank the gods for all of my blessings
and each night i pray for more patience
my lack of patience is my biggest struggle as a mother
the other day i was chatting with my sister about mr. henry being a wild man
she said, "isn't it funny when they act like kids....."
cue 'aha moment'
he.is.three.
after gus was born henry seemed so much older! (i mean, he and i have full blown conversations!)
but he isn't
he is still just a toddler
a toddler who is having to share is momma and dad with someone else now
i imagine he is feeling just as frustrated as me sometimes
he will throw fits
he will only eat one thing on his dinner plate
he will take out every single toy he owns and leave them scattered about our bungalow
he.is.three.
all too soon i will blink and he really will be much older
....and then i will be chatting (read: crying) with my sister about where the time went!

i could spend all day smooching gus

seriously

i could

don't even get me started on how much i love his milk breath

(photos by www.hrwphoto.com)

wrinkle release

so......i'm 30, pushing 31

i think i might be a grown up 

maybe

i don't wear lipstick 

or a bra

but i decided it's time to start getting serious about my skin

fine lines and wrinkles are now a reality

a reality i am happy to greet with a smile

which apparently just adds more fine lines and wrinkles
(c'est la vie)

i've been trying out RoC Retinol Correxion Eye Cream

i can't tell if it's erasing my crows feet

but i do feel oh so very grown up when i put it on
so there's always that.....

must have

i'm a sucker for pretty much anything striped
couple that with chunky baby legs
and you've got me sold

little titans

baby gus is going to need these asap!

1 for 2

did you know there is a product sold in stores called 'your breastfriend'?
i'm sure it's wonderful and does/is everything is says it will be...and more
but really?
your BREASTfriend?
i can't handle it
but that's neither here nor there
in the short time i nursed henry, i remember wondering if/when it would ever feel like his tiny mouth wasn't lined with razor blades
i had to mentally pump myself up to put that sweet boy to my boob
i attribute my lack of success in nursing henry to new mom anxiety and not listening to my instincts
i decided to approach nursing gus with a positive casual attitude
if it worked it worked
if it didn't it didn't
each baby is different
why should i have the same problems with one that i did with the other......
gus is a boob guy
i mean seriously
this kid likes to nurse
and other than feeling like i have my shirt off 82% of the time
i am happy

the cold

each year winter crawls into my heart and digs her claws in
planting seeds of restlessness, melancholy and doubt
i'm cranky and sleepy and emotional
every year it happens
and every year i'm surprised by it
surprised by how the change of season brings on a change in me
a week or so before 'the great snow storm of 2014' we had a 50 (almost 60) degree day
henry and i took a bike ride to the park and relished our time in the sunshine
breathing in the crisp air as the sun warmed our limbs
he ran around and around and around yelling 'look how fast i go momma!'
and just like that.....
winter lost her grip on my heart

i love it when....

henry gives me an unexpected hug or kiss
an old favorite song comes on the radio
a friend pops by for an unexpected visit
gus looks at me and then breaks into a wide grin
the laundry is toasty warm out of the dryer
dinner is cooking on the stove, making our bungalow smell delish
henry asks me to sings songs from tangled with him (and he holds my hand while we sing)
i catch stone tearing up at something unexpected like a commercial or news story
gus coos and giggles
i have a good hair day
a stranger smiles at my boys
henry uses his manners
our bungalow is clean and toys are (mostly) put away...they are never all put away
we are with our families
i start a book and immediately know it is going to be good
gus is fresh out of the bath and smells like a little slice of heaven (henry smells lovely too....but there is just something about a chunky baby covered in baby powder)
i have a great conversation with a friend
stone gets home from work and henry runs to see him
i give a gift to someone and they really love it, it's so awesome to find that perfect something for someone
henry eats all of his dinner
i get a letter in the mail
i get all green lights on the drive to my parents' house
the leaves first start to grow on the trees in the springtime
.....mostly i love it when my boys are happy and we had a good day full of giggles and fun

that time my three year old had to get glasses

henry got glasses
i'm not sure how to feel about it
other than to be grateful it is just glasses
we spend our time now listing all the cool people who wear glasses
(myself included)
stone had the idea that i should start wearing my glasses more instead of my contacts
i agreed
new glasses for me sounded like a perfect idea
stone informed me that wasn't what he said
but that is totally what i heard

the year i will bake bread

i will bake bread for my family 

that is my resolution 

well first i resolve to finally get the dough to rise

and then there will be baking

lots of baking

it may seem silly 

a baking resolution

but i think it is a fine idea

also, if the carbs i am eating are homemade it doesn't seem so bad 

and it will make our bungalow smell divine 

so yes 

this year i shall bake

and hopefully two of my three favorite people will enjoy it

gus is a bit young for carbs......